The Great Supine Protoplasmic Invertebrate Jellies of the Church

January 4th, 2026

The gloss of the New Year has already rubbed off, and I found myself back in the pews today. I was there to deposit my last book, Ex Matrix Libersum—a final hand-off, a closing of a chapter.

The highlight of the morning wasn’t the service; it was the company. A dear friend picked me up to drive me there, and for that, I am truly grateful. He is one of those rare souls you can talk to forever. If only the same could be said for the liturgy.

The Same Old, Same Old

Inside the stone walls, it was the usual routine: stand up, sit down, rinse, repeat. The sermon was exactly what you’d expect from a hardworking, exhausted Anglican priest. Bless him, he looked like a man who just wanted to be on a tropical island far away from the "same old same old." Instead, he delivered a classic "boomer sermon"—well-intentioned, perhaps, but devoid of any resonance.

The Jelly Brigade

Then come the "protoplasmic invertebrate jellies"—the busy-bodies. There is a specific kind of church-goer who cannot fathom the idea that a person might actually be happy away from the fold. To them, joy found outside these four walls is a glitch in the matrix. They hover, they pry, and they interfere under the guise of "fellowship."

"Heaven help you if you find peace in the silence of your own home rather than the stale air of a vestry."

The Choir Conundrum

The peak of the absurdity? They want me back in the choir. They stood there, lost for words when I didn’t immediately jump at the chance. Don’t even get me started on the Bondi situation or the total lack of a meaningful response.

Singing in the choir? I would rather... well, use your imagination.

NO NEED TO PICK ME UP NEXT WEEK.

OFFICIAL EDITORIAL ADDENDUM:

• On "Paranoia": Management wishes to clarify that the author is not, in fact, "paranoid." The jellies really were hovering. We have video evidence.
• Apology to Nature: The author apologizes to actual biological jellyfish. They generally float around minding their own business and rarely form committees to discuss why you weren't at the potluck.
• Health & Safety Warning: Regarding the "Choir Conundrum": The rejection of this offer was issued for the safety of the congregation’s eardrums and the author’s blood pressure. No further correspondence will be entered into.